Subrosa for May: The Discipline of Peace

“The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you already are..”

- Rumi

Hello friends,

Recently, I’ve been spending my time celebrating the 40th birthday of my husband, as well as some friends who are just starting to hit this strange but wonderful milestone of sort-of midlife. This, amidst the other stuff on my plate, such as the outdoor home renovations I undertook to create my own personal outdoor sanctuary right in the middle of the city (which has been an endeavour of gargantuan proportions), the usual things of work and life and kids and family, as well as nearing the end of my journey to complete my Integrative Nutrition Health Coaching Program, has been a time that I’ve navigated with as much grace and patience as possible. And yet now that I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I’m kind of like, Can we hurry up and get to the end of the tunnel now, please?

But the journey is the reward. We know this. And I have come to know this to be true beyond the triteness of the platitude because—as with everything else in my life—I’ve had to learn it through direct, embodied experience.

As I have the benefit of being all of two years older than my newly minted 40-year old husband and his cohort, I’ve had the benefit of a little bit more time on this journey to have acquired a smidgen of wisdom about what it means to be in your 40s, or rather, what your 40s are all about, which is a question that came up more than a few times leading up to this birthday in conversation with friends.

Of course, the answer is not and cannot be the same for everyone.

For some people (mostly the men) they said your 40s is about making money. For others, it was a time to be with their kids more while they’re still young and can be part of this formative time in their lives. For others, it was about letting go of old shit (energetically speaking) that just didn’t serve them anymore; about drawing a line in the sand between the past and the present, and moving forward with greater clarity and ease.

As I’ve reflected on this, I realized that for me, my 40s is and has been about peace. Cultivating peace, inviting in peace, prioritizing peace. Being peace. Which, I think, is ultimately what all of those other things our friends mentioned are about. Having greater financial ease brings peace. Having a strong bond with your children brings peace. Putting the past to bed brings peace.

What I’ve learned about peace, though, especially in the last 6 months, is that it’s not some namby-pamby, woo-woo thing that just happens to you. Peace, paradoxically, is actually something that requires great discipline. It requires devotion, and discernment, and delighting in all things great and small. And to do all that, you need discipline.

Think about how much easier it is to descend into chaos, or anxiety, or old patterns that are not inherently good for you or anyone else. It’s sooooooo easy to just do the things you’ve always done because they’re second nature and don’t require effort to change. There’s a reason why one of the more common sayings in the new-agey parlance of today is to “protect your peace”. Because maintaining your personal peace, and the peace of others, requires defensive action. Peace, is actually, not passive. Which is why it’s so elusive.

I’ve had the singular word “Peace” written on the white board in my kitchen, surrounded by drawings from my kids and other items held up with thumb tacks since January so that I see it every time I go down to the basement to do laundry (which is 875 times a day) and every time I come back up, it acts as a reminder for the intention that I set for myself this year. But it was only recently that I understood that peace was something that, if I really, truly wanted it, I had to actively work for it and dedicate myself to it, in the same way that one works towards anything of value; something that can only be created and maintained within.

Peace looks and feels different to every person, I think, based on their life story and their needs. For me, peace used to mean that everyone and everything around me had to be calm and peaceful and easy. This had to happen because I’m so incredibly sensitive to the environment and energy around me, especially in my home, that I just couldn’t settle my own self and nervous system if anything around me was disrupted. But I realized recently that, while this was true when I was a child and was vulnerable to those in positions of authority around me, continuing to live like this as an adult was actually putting my peace, or lack thereof, in the hands of everyone and everything around me.

It sounds obvious, but again, when you’re used to operating in a certain way and with a certain mindset, especially from childhood, then even though it’s not actually getting you the result you want, it’s easier to stay in that.

To many of my friends and family who know me well, I’m regarded as being a disciplined person. I meditate every day, I exercise and eat well, I walk outside every day no matter what the weather is. If I have a work deadline, I meet it. If I have a list of to-do’s to get through, I do them. If I make a promise, I keep it. Discipline is not hard for me, because I don’t regard it as a harsh or punitive thing. It’s actually one of the ways I show up for myself and my body with deep love, care, and reverence. The modern understanding of the word is misunderstood to be about control and asceticism. But, in fact, the root of the latin word “Disciplīna" is related to the word "discipulus," meaning "pupil" or "learner," highlighting the idea of being taught or guided.”

So, with the spirit of my disciplined nature, that is, my nature which loves to learn and be guided through practice and ritual, I understood that what I needed to do was apply this era of my 40s to becoming a disciple—a disciplinarian, if you will—of peace.

I know that I cannot and am not the first person to stumble on this paradox, this truth. It’s the entire reason that there are orders of monks and nuns and communities of people who come together under a set of rules to live a life outside of the chaos of the world.

And yet, I think that there’s a way to do it that doesn’t require a renunciation of regular life, of all its ups and downs and unpleasantness; that doesn’t require shutting out the world and hiding in a cave or a monastery. It simply requires a commitment to the path and the recognition that in every moment your own peace is up to you. Therein lies the practice—and it is a practice—because it’s not something you can become perfect at, or reach the pinnacle of. It is and always will be the dance of falling off the path and coming back to it, again and again and again.

Here are some ideas and ways that I’ve found helpful, recently, in my practice of peace:

Surrender
Surrender is such a powerful thing to do, whether it’s surrendering to the fact that you don’t know what to do, or surrendering to the fact that at the moment things are just awful. When you do that, there’s an instant ease in the belly and in the heart, because you stop needing life to be better or clearer than it is. And you also release it to the hands of something beyond you.

One Day At A Time
For me, particularly, this is where I can get so tripped up. If I start thinking too much about how long something has been hard, or for how much longer it will be hard, I get really frustrated and even angry, because patience is not my strongest quality. When that feeling has come up recently, pulling it all back down to just doing the best right thing that I feel that I can honestly and authentically do that day—whether that’s promising myself to speak with a kind voice no matter what happens, or resting when I feel too tired and not pushing through—it alleviates the agony of the thought “But what if this goes on forever?”

Choice
Remembering that at every single moment, how I speak, how I act, how I don’t act, and how I show up in the world is my choice. And one way will make me feel more at ease, and one way will not. That doesn’t mean I will always have the inner fortitude to choose the peaceful path. It also doesn’t mean that the peaceful path is always the quiet path. Sometimes you need to be loud to create and advocate for your peace. But knowing that it is, ultimately, my choice, is empowering in a way that has less to do with controlling what happens (or doesn’t) and more to do with liberation. If it’s up to me how I feel, then I’m not at the mercy of other people and their own disruptions.

As I continue on this journey, I think that ultimately my purpose is to help others find their own way to peace, in whatever ways that has meaning to them, as a guide and a holder of space. What do you call someone who does that? I have no idea. But I know that, as with everything else, the answer will find its way to me from somewhere inside.

And so whatever you might be puzzling over in your own life right now, I hope this little missive acts as a reminder that the same holds true for you.

Until next time, be so very well.
Allison

Subrosa for Spring Equinox: 3 Rituals For Renewal

“The beginning is the most important part of the work.”

- Plato

Hello friends,

Happy Spring Equinox! This is a time for renewal, rebirth, and releasing what no longer serves so that what is waiting to come in to your life has the space to do so.

Truth be told, I don’t love spring. There are so many poems written about it, mostly from people who live in places where they actually have a proper spring with blossoming flowers and birds singing, but here in Toronto I find mostly that this season is still cold, but brings the added touch of rain and mud, which I have to clean almost daily out of my kids shoes when they come home from school. But! I of course love the return to more sun, slightly warmer temperatures, and the promise of what’s around the corner—which comes when we go abruptly from a few weeks of spring into blistering hot summer:). The thing that I do like best about the energy at this time of year though is that sense of releasing the heaviness of the winter and cleaning up all that accumulated in the darker, quieter months in order to make way—literally and figuratively—for what’s ahead.

Aside from my dislike of all the mud, I do honour the fact that this is a really sacred time of the year and offers the opportunity for each of us to change up the energy in our bodies, in our homes, and in our minds. Here are what I personally find to be the 3 most essential and supportive rituals for renewal around the the Spring Equinox that, if you’re feeling a little sluggish or stagnant still as you come out of hibernation, I highly recommend you try.

1) Clean Your Home
And I mean, really clean it. This might seem like an overwhelming, daunting job, especially if you’ve had a lot going on and have left the cleaning to the bottom of your to-do list. I get it! But, cleaning your house is about more than just dusting and mopping for the sake of knocking an item off your list. Every corner of your home, every surface, and every space holds an energy. It’s the very reason why you can walk into a room or someone else’s home and feel light or calm or happy, or, on the flip side, you can enter a space that feels dark or heavy or just off. You might not be able to see with your physical eyes why that is, but what you’re sensing in your body is the energetic signature that space is holding.

When we clean our homes in a deeper way at Spring Equinox (or we delegate someone to help us do this) it’s an opportunity to clear up any stagnant energy by purifying the air and the surfaces, and it’s also an act of self-care. The home is where you spend so much of your time—eating, sleeping, playing, relaxing. And so taking the time (even if it’s over the course of a few weeks) to clean, to get rid of toys or clothes or items that no longer have a use and are just adding to the mental and physical clutter, is a signal to your own mind-body-spirit complex that you value your outer peace as well as your inner peace. If the idea of cleaning your entire home seems daunting, pick one room, such as your bedroom, and start there. You will notice almost immediately how great it feels and how you sleep more deeply that it will feel worth investing your time and energy into the rest of your home. My Granny used to say “Just pick a corner and start there.” (She also used to say “Dust is the enemy!!”)

2) Eat Seasonally
This transition time is an opportunity to practice eating seasonally. You may have already noticed that as the light has changed, and the temperatures have dabbled in the above zero arena, you’re craving lighter foods, more vegetables that naturally grow around this time of year like asparagus and radishes, or that you’re just ready to change it up. Just as this is a natural time of year to clean up your home, it’s also a natural time of year to lean into foods that naturally help our bodies to purify and shed any built up energy by virtue of their biochemical profiles. Here are the top 5 foods I’m incorporating right now that are helping me to lean into that sense of vitality and alignment that comes with eating seasonally:

Lemons: Support liver enzymes and bile production. I squeeze a lemon in my water bottle every day and add a pinch of pink Himalayan sea salt, which is essentially a homemade electrolyte drink so that the hydration goes deeper into the cells.

Asparagus: High in antioxidants and folate to support cell repair.

Microgreens: Extremely nutrient-dense (up to 40x more nutrients than mature plants!) They’re also high in chlorophyll, which helps cleanse the blood and detoxify heavy metals.

Beets: Contain betaine, which supports liver detoxification.

Radishes: Are natural diuretics, helping reduce water retention and gently detox the kidneys.

If you wanted to put all of these together in a salad and throw together a dressing of lemon and olive oil, and maybe top it with some goat cheese, this would be the perfect health-supporting addition to your daily eating rituals.

For a full list of seasonal foods for the spring, check out this list!

3) Do Something New
Early spring is a really unique time because we are not fully out of the dark of winter, and not fully into the light of summer. In fact, Spring Equinox marks that halfway point—the perfect balance—between the dark and the light. If you think about how it is when the tiniest buds on the trees start to emerge and you have to be careful not to disturb them or they won’t thrive, it is the same with us humans during this time of the year. Likely, you’ve gone through something of a dark time over the last few months. It’s been chaotic in the world on so many levels, and so I think in some ways most of us have been grappling with how to navigate that.

For me personally, after the really intense period I went through in December as I experienced a dark night of the soul, I’ve been working through a ton of healing. Really old wounds, generational issues, and just stuff that had not fully been dealt with came back up for me to explore and heal now that I’m in a stronger, more grounded place to do so than when I was younger. So as we emerge, individually and collectively from the darkness, it’s a time to be gentle, to be protective, and to be careful of the parts of you that are ready to be reborn and renewed but still in their budding stage. And at the same time, it’s time to Shake It Up. The heaviness and the stagnation, old patterns, old dynamics, and old relationships that no longer serve you are all calling to be put into question during this time and to really come to clarity about the fact that there are ways of being and ways of relating that perhaps worked for a really, REALLY, long time, and now, they just don’t. And that’s okay. Let them fall away. Grieve them if you must. But hanging onto the old only prevents us from being able to allow what’s new—the healthy little buds of promise and potential—to poke through and thrive.

Maybe it’s time to switch up the way you move your body, or to start moving your body, in a way that feels nourishing and joyful, saying a big, huge FUCK IT to doing things just because someone told you that was the best way or the right way. If walking is your thing, stop forcing yourself to run. If you like yoga and hate lifting weights, switch to yoga. Or vice versa.

Maybe it’s time to try meditation! Finally! Whether guided, silent, or through journal writing, this is a game changing shift.

It could be that the something new that’s calling for your attention to change up is internal. Perhaps it’s a perspective or a mindset that has you stuck in a loop that only brings you pain. Or, perhaps it’s a style of communicating or relating to loved ones that you realize is leaving one or both of you feeling misunderstood or not loved. It could also be that there are relationship dynamics in your life that you’re ready to finally address in a more honest, meaningful way in order to stop pretending or accepting the status quo. These kinds of conversations can be so hard and so painful. But, it can also be liberating and offer the potential for growth and deeper connection on the other side of those challenging and, let’s be honest, terrifying conversations.

I’ve found the podcast The SelfHealers Soundboard by Dr. Nicole LePera, “The Holistic Psychologist” to be incredibly helpful in this area.

Whatever is calling to you to look at more closely, now is the time to (gently, with love and grace) shake it up and do what no longer serves. Think of your future self when you’re getting honest about this, and ask her or him what they would hope that the “you” of today would do so that the future self can be more at peace, more fulfilled, and more joyful.

You are more than worth it.

I hope that this has planted a little seed (see what I did there!) of inspiration or curiosity for you about how you can harness the energy of this time of year to support your alignment, your health, and your sense of peace.

If this kind of content where I discuss practices for health from a holistic perspective that includes more than just movement and meditation but also food and lifestyle practices is of interest to you, I would love to hear feedback!

Until next time, be so very well.
Allison

Subrosa for February: An Invitation For Inner & Outer Health

“The healing of ourselves as healers has to take place first. Bringing ourselves to wholeness, we become more sensitive to other people. In the change of consciousness that happens within us, we bring about change of consciousness in those around us and in the planet itself.”

- Marion Woodman

Hello friends,

I hope this finds you cozy inside. Maybe there’s some music playing, maybe someone is cooking (maybe it’s you and you’re embracing the simple joy that can be) or maybe you’re laying on the couch and ordering in and taking the night completely off.

Currently, I’m sitting at my kitchen table as my children play downstairs (inexplicably with their shirts off) wrestling and also playing a ukulele, yelling things at each other in gibberish, while my husband is concocting a seafood pasta and Diana Krall is playing in the background. He is doing this for me as an act of love, as I’m coming off of a very intense week of work and life and family dynamics, and as an act of love back to him, I’m receiving it:)

Wherever and however this finds you, I hope that love has also been a part of your day. In these times where the energy of the world at large and individually is being shaken up on the deepest levels and being reorganized so that we can come out the other side of it all with what I hope will be greater peace, greater light, and greater health as a collective, for now we need all the love internally and externally that we can get to carry us through.

This week I had the great privilege to teach the first in a 3-week Self-Care Yin Yoga series at my friend’s home with an intimate group of diverse, and incredible women. This first session was about the heart, about cultivating love from that very sacred space within, so that we can then carry it out into the world. The class was a great reminder to me that when you do work that you truly love, it does not feel like work. So much so that I felt so grateful to be given the honour and trust of the women that I was leading through the practice, that it almost felt wrong to be receiving money from them for my time (but then I reminded myself that this is an old pattern I need to release, and that money is just an exchange of energy…so, more healing to be done in that area!!!)

Which brings me to my invitation in this short(er) and sweet love note to you for this month as February comes to a close and we inch closer and closer to spring:

As many of you know, I’m currently training to become a Certified Holistic Health Coach through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. I’m deeply passionate about helping people feel their best—body, mind, and soul. I see this part of my education as a continuation of the work that I’ve been doing over the last decade to help support and guide people inward to become the masters of their own healing and growth. This journey of mine as a guide and coach really began 10 years ago with my training in therapeutic writing, which then went on to include movement and breathwork through my yoga and meditation certifications (including some work with channeling and oracle decks because those are my personal favourite woo-woo tools to work with) and now, it is all culminating in this health coach training. My intention once I come out of this learning and healing period for myself is to offer a complete service for healing that reflects all the modalities I wholeheartedly believe in and have been practicing myself for over 25 years.

As part of my IIN training, I’m now able to offer free introductory health coaching sessions to those who are looking for support in their wellness journey. This is a chance to reflect on where you are with your health from a holistic perspective, looking at all areas of your life, and then together determining where you want to be, and how small, sustainable changes can make a big impact.

Today I would like to invite you on this leg of my journey with me. If working with me speaks to you in any way—not out of a sense of obligation (although you would be doing me a great favour in supporting my learning and training if that speaks to you) but rather out of a sense of curiosity and genuine interest—I would like to invite you to complete a Health History Form. I am required to work with at least 6 prospective clients for my graduation requirement, and this is the first step. It’s a simple, judgment-free way for me to understand your unique goals and challenges so I can offer personalized guidance and support. There’s no commitment required—just a heartfelt opportunity for connection and insight. After completing the form, we would have a follow up conversation that is also free, where we can chat and explore what you detailed in the form, and then from there determine if you would like to work with me once I’m ready to take on clients. I would be honoured to hold space for you if this feels like it might be right for you. If you’re interested in taking the first step in completing a Health History, or if you have any questions, please email me about any and all at allison.mcdonald.ace@gmail.com and we can go from there!

Either way, I just want to say truly and deeply that I’m so grateful for the community I have here that has supported me and shown interest in learning about my journey, my own self-healing, and the work I am evolving into to put out into the world through my monthly musings. I know that it may seem one-sided, because I’m the one doing all the “talking”, but I feel the energy of receiving my words on the other end of this exchange, and—just like my husband doing the cooking for me, and me receiving it—I see this as an exchange of great love. So thank you.

Until next time, be so very well.
Allison

Subrosa for January: Connection & Primary Food

“Find your tribe and love them hard.”

- Danielle LaPorte


Hello friends,

I hope what has felt like the 875 days of January so far have been treating you as well as can be. For my part, I’ve officially embarked on my journey towards becoming a Health & Wellness Coach with the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, and my inner school nerd has been thrilled to have something to focus on in amidst the chaos and noise of the outside world, as well as the chaos and noise of my internal world (thanks, perimenopause!)

One of the most interesting parts of my new education so far has been the framework of this program. You might think from the title that I am going to school to become some form of nutritionist, but it’s misleading. In fact, food and eating is secondary to all other aspects of the program where the emphasis is on what they refer to as “Primary Food” using the below graphic as a tool for coaches and their clients to identify the primary areas of life where they feel nourished, and areas where they feel less so. The way it works is that you place a dot in each section to indicate your level of satisfaction in that area. A dot toward the periphery indicates satisfaction, and a dot closer to the center indicates dissatisfaction. From there, you can connect the dots and visualize your current areas of focus and then determine where to spend more time and energy to cultivate balance

The Primary Food Method: Using The Circle of Life (IIN) As A Tool


Doing this exercise for myself was eye opening, and that’s why I’m sharing it with you here today, as it might give you some insight into the areas of your life where you might want to focus more (or less). Given that January is a month where our culture is almost entirely focused on the actual food on our plates—whether the restricting of, or the removing of—I thought it might be a refreshing perspective to look at life, and what you consume off the plate for nourishment, as being so much more important to your overall health, vitality, and happiness.

For my part, what I realized is that while I’m doing very well in the areas of spirituality, health, physical activity, and home cooking, some of the other areas felt less than where I would want them to be, particularly in the area of connection with relationships and social life. And the realization left me feeling at first sad, and if I’m honest, a little bit lonely, but then it gave me a sense of motivation to balance out my wheel in the coming months and years ahead. I have no interest in getting to the golden years of my life and being able to say that while my nutrition was on point and I was really good at getting in my meditation and steps every day, I was missing something fundamentally more valuable.

I also realized I have to give grace to the fact that this is the season of life for myself and my peers, and also the way our world works. So it’s a bit of a case of “it is what it is-ness”, while also being open to making changes.

I’m very lucky in that I have a loving home. Every day, when my husband and kids and I are back together after work and school and activities are said and done, we have a safe space and a deep sense of connection being all together. I make dinner, we watch Survivor and talk about what we would do if we were on that beach (I definitely could not tolerate the sand and cold rain and the bugs, not to mention all of the personalities!) and then we all go to bed in relative peace.

But what became clear to me in doing this Circle of Life exercise, is that the connection I am missing is that which lies beyond the four walls of my cozy home. I’m missing a deeper sense of tribe, of community and support. Of seeing people.

One of the doctors lecturing in my program shared this story, which I think sums up the importance of tribe with such an impactful, real life example. This is the gist:

In the 1960s, researchers investigated why residents of Roseto, an Italian-American town, had significantly lower rates of heart disease compared to neighbouring towns, despite poor diets, hard lifestyles, and environmental factors.

They found that the secret wasn’t diet or exercise but social cohesion and strong community ties. Roseto residents had a tightly knit culture centred around family, shared meals, mutual support, and a sense of belonging. This protective social environment buffered them from stress, which researchers believed contributed to their exceptional heart health.

The phenomenon, sometimes called the "Roseto Effect," highlights the powerful impact of social connections on physical and mental health.

That is not to say that I’m not blessed in the connection of friendships and relationships I have. I’m grateful to have continued friendships with my best friends since childhood. It’s a rare and beautiful thing to have that 30 years and counting. I have caring parents, and I have supportive, present in-laws. I have made great friendships in my community and through my kids sports with women and men who I value deeply. At my place of work, I’ve made connections with people I otherwise would not have met who have opened my heart up even more as I’ve walked with them through their professional and personal challenges.

And yet, as someone who works from home, I spend most of my days alone—alone in my thoughts, and alone in my house. My youngest son is now in aftercare at school, so I don’t have that little bit of social time every day that I used to get when I would pick him up and watch all the kids in the playground, which I realize now in retrospect is what saved me through the years of the pandemic by providing a sense of daily camaraderie (and incidentally is the way in which I formed many of the great friendships in my neighbourhood).

When my kids were home sick last week, it was just me and my husband managing the vacillation between fevers and barfing. And that’s when it really hit me, this lack of tribe, in the sense of a physical presence. It’s how, as humans, we were really designed to exist: with people around us, in the flesh, showing up—and not just in the phone.

But that is not how life is structured anymore, in many ways due to the simple fact of urban sprawl. Whereas if we all lived in close proximity to each other, my mother might have come by to check on us and to lend a helping hand, and my best friend might have dropped off some soup (or maybe some wine, ‘cause being home with 2 sick kids and 1 sick husband all week is not in alignment with Dry January). But the truth is, these closest people in my life live a 45 minute drive away, and beyond that, everyone else is also just trying to get through their own days, with their own shit, and that kind of daily physical presence isn’t a possibility or a reality.

On this topic, Dr. Vivek Murthy, the U.S. Surgeon General, has called loneliness a public health crisis and has even written a book about this called "Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World".

I know I am one of the lucky ones. Most of us are. We have friends and neighbours and families who call us, text us, visit us when they can, and we know they would be there if we really need them. But I think that, for me, I’ve realized that as we move further and further into this digital age, and despite my innate nature as an introvert who recharges best in solitude, I’m missing that fundamental, basic part of life where we can actually regularly and easily spend time in person with the people we love, without having to plan around it several weeks in advance (only to get cancelled when the inevitable sickness of one or the other puts the kibosh on those plans).

Is it possible to be lonely, even though I know that I’m cared about and supported by more people than any one person has a right to expect? It seems counterintuitive, but I think the answer is yes. Maybe it’s just the winter, maybe it’s perimenopause, or maybe it’s an opportunity for me to explore how to build more regular, face-to-face and heart-to-heart connection despite the challenges of living in a fast-paced world. Maybe it’s all three.

As I continue on this journey of becoming a Health & Wellness Coach over the next 6 months, I see now that (as has been the pattern of my personal evolution for as long as I can remember) I will have to explore, heal, and grow in each of these areas of “primary food” even more deeply within myself so that I can establish a solid foundation for myself as a guide in helping individuals reach better health and happiness. All so that, one day, I’ll be able to speak from an authentic place of lived experience, and the empathy that comes with that, by being able to say “I know what you’re going through. Let me show you the way to the other side of it.”

At least, that’s my plan.

Until next time, be so very well.
Allison

Subrosa for December: The Gift Of The Dark Night

I can do nothing for you but work on myself…you can do nothing for me but work on yourself.

- Ram Dass


Hello friends,

I don’t even know where to begin this month’s newsletter. Someone once said the place to begin is the beginning, so I guess I’ll start there.

But before I do, I want to let you know that for 3 weeks in January to help you start 2025 off with fresh energy, I will be holding a Sacred Self-Care Workshop Series. This will coincide with me starting my training as an Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, which I will be able to apply to my workshops as I am going through the program with The Instititute Of Integrative Nutrition.

My goal with this training, and this workshop series, is to deepen my ability to support people in their healing journey, which begins with self-care. I have come to regard my role in the world during this next chapter of my life as a self-care coach, advocating and guiding women specifically in their mid 30s and beyond back to a place of balance and inner peace, which begins first by identifying how and where we are out of balance in our lives, looking at all areas—our relationship with self, interpersonal relationships, nutrition, exercise, vocation, creative expression, inner dialogue, and finances. Which is exactly what we will be doing in this 3 week workshop! Using a combination of meditation, expressive writing, and yoga to help you identify where your energy and focus is out of balance, you will then be guided through self exploration in an intimate group setting to support you coming back to balance and inner peace. If you’ve been feeling lost, or stuck, or some combination thereof, this is for you.

The work of healing yourself is not only vital to living your life in a way that feels fulfilling and peaceful for yourself, but it also affects everyone around you. This is the reason I put the quote from Ram Dass up top, which I have come back to many times in my life when I’ve found myself focusing on wishing others would just do this or that so that I could feel better. It’s a reminder that the only thing we can do for us to feel better is to heal and help ourselves. Self-care, or self-healing, is deep and sacred work because it ripples out well beyond ourselves. But it does, indeed, begin with ourselves.

Here are the nitty gritty details:

SACRED SELF-CARE WORKSHOP SERIES

When: Sunday January 12, 19, 26 from 1-3pm
Where: 7 Martin Crescent, Toronto, ON, M4S 2V3
Cost is $33 per session. For those who wish to attend but cannot make it in person, a Zoom recording will be sent so you can follow along in your own time (but I encourage you to come in person!)
Email allison.mcdonald.ace@gmail.com to reserve your spot. Space is limited to 6.

I am really looking forward to this one!

The Dark Night Of The Soul, or Perimenopause, or BOTH?!

Since last I wrote, I have been going THROUGH it. That’s the short version.

For the longer version, pour yourself a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and settle in. It’s been a doozie for me, and I share this, as always, in case there is something in my recent life experience that can be helpful to you in any way as you go through yours.

I’m not sure when exactly it started, but over the last few months I started noticing that I was just off. Really off. I described it recently as feeling like I was an alien in another person’s body, wearing another person’s clothes, thinking another person’s thoughts. I was increasingly tired all of the time, and had developed anxiety and intrusive thoughts, which is not something I’ve ever had before in my life. It felt like my body wasn’t working as it used to, like it wasn’t firing on all cylinders. I found that on many days I was dreading waking up and getting out of bed. A few weeks ago the thought crossed my mind that if I had to to wake up and do one more chore, that I felt like I was going to die.

Every day, I threw every self-care tool in my tool kit at what felt like an increasingly dire inner situation. Meditation, expressive writing, channeling, rest, walks, yoga, talking to friends, finding ways to laugh, taking breaks, mindfully going about my to-do list so that I could find joy and gratitude in the little things once again, but nothing, and I mean, nothing, was working.

I couldn’t even come and write here, in this space, for the last several weeks, even though I so badly wanted to because it is such an offering of love for me when I do. But I simply couldn’t. Not just because I didn’t have the energy, but because I couldn’t get clear or settled enough to even bring myself to the table with my computer. I felt beyond fraudulent that I am this person who is here constantly advocating for taking care, taking a pause, and prioritizing the inner self, and I quite literally felt like I was falling apart in a way that seemed to hit me overnight and out of nowhere.

For awhile I just chalked it up to perimenopause. I’m 41, and as the popular rhetoric on social media and beyond is now telling us women, we’re basically fucked from the ages of 40 to our last period as our bodies and our brains completely reorganize ourselves into what will, on the other side of this transition, be a wonderful, fulfilling, and expansive time. We just need to go through the underworld to get there. I was feeling so shitty and so off, that I figured that must be it.

But then, it got worse. I truly couldn’t get through a day without feeling a sense of complete despair. When I did my channeling and meditation practice in the mornings, it was like everything had gone dark. I couldn’t hear the inner guidance and intuition in the way that it usually came through for me. It felt like where once I had had a lifeline to something wiser, greater, and deeper than my every day human self, all of a sudden I was adrift in the great alone.

Most of the time I felt like crying, like no one saw me, no one was there to help me or support me, and that my entire existence had been relegated to a groundhog day of endless chores and doing things for other people while I was left home alone every day to get through it all as best as I could, while not dropping any of the spinning plates and not blowing up my entire life.

I decided that this crisis was not perimenopause, or #momlife, but was clearly The Dark Night Of The Soul. This concept may or may not be familiar to you, but basically, it’s an experience that was first described many centuries ago by a Carmelite monk, John Of The Cross. It’s characterized by, among other things, the following:

  • Withdrawal: A feeling of being cut off from a higher presence 

  • Confusion and helplessness: A sense of being lost and unable to help oneself 

  • Unselfing: A period of letting go of oneself 

  • Emotional distress: Extreme sadness, uncontrollable crying, or a feeling of emptiness 

  • Loss of motivation: A lack of interest in activities that were once enjoyable

I felt a sense of relief once I identified what I thought was, finally, an explanation for how I’d been feeling. At least I had something to hang on to.

Asking for help is hard for me, as it is for many people, and many women especially. But I was in such inner hell that I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I reached out to my mom and to my husband. I told them everything I had been going through, how I felt so alone and so unsupported, how I felt truly unseen, like no one cared about my life. And once I reached out and let out everything I had been holding in, it was like a line of connection opened up and I heard my inner voice saying:

“Maybe it’s because your iron is low.”

Huh.

That’s not what I was expecting. I was expecting that I would be flooded with all of the answers to all the questions that had been confounding me…What am I doing here? Why does it feel like I’m missing the boat? Am I on the right path?

Instead, it was “Check your iron levels.”

I’ve historically had extremely low ferritin levels since I began menstruating. I’ve been put on iron supplement therapy so many times from so many doctors, but my levels have never gotten above 20. Since having children, they hover between 7 and 12. And although these numbers are extremely low and indicate iron deficiency anemia, the way our health system works is that I’m given another prescription for iron supplementation and sent on my way. Women feeling tired, anxious, and generally shitty has been accepted as the norm (especially in the perimenopause years) for so long that most mainstream doctors don’t even blink an eye when a woman describes the experience I’ve just outlined.

But this is where self-care, self-advocacy, and leaning into your support system come into play.

I remembered my friend telling me that eventually due to her equally low ferritin levels she was sent for iron infusion therapy. After, her numbers jumped up to 200, and she felt so much better. I met up with another friend who, when I told her how desperately awful I’d been feeling, without my prompting, she told me how she had been feeling the same way about a year prior and thankfully had a wonderful doctor who payed attention and cared and sent her for iron infusion therapy. She described her experience with almost tears in her eyes, saying that 3 days after the infusion she felt like she had been returned—finally—to herself.

I felt like for the first time in weeks I finally—FINALLY—had hope.

When I called my mom and told her that I was either going through a dark night of the soul, or, based on what was being reflected back to me by my peers, that my iron was too low, she concurred with what I suspected was really going on: “I think it might be both.”

And this, I realized then, was the gift of the dark night and the hell I’d been in. Having gone through the last month of darkness, confusion, and despair, I was able to see where my body was in need of healing, and my heart too. I needed people, I needed support, and I needed to fix my damn iron.

The idea in the spiritual tradition of the dark night of the soul is that you go through this deep experience where everything gets shaken up, taken away, or changed, so that when you come out the other side, you see things more clearly. It’s an awakening, or as I like to think of it, a graduation to the next level of your experience in this life, as a soul living a very human experience.

As all of this came together for me in my mind, I remembered a truth about my life that has held for as long as far back as I can recall, which is that for me, in order to be able to talk, guide, write about, or teach in any way, I have to go through it—really go through it—first. It’s that way for most people—they have to learn the lesson first in order to be able to integrate and embody the truth to then bring to others. But knowing that this is the way it works, and actually going through it, are two different things. It’s so hard.

And yet, here I am. I’m okay. I’m more than okay. I’ve made it through the darkest, the hardest, and the loneliest part of it (I think…I hope!)I feel calmer, like even though I have to still get my body healed, I have a direction, I have clarity. I also have an appointment with a haematologist this week, wherein I’m going to insist I’m given a prescription for iron infusion therapy. Let this part of my story be a nudge in the right direction for you to advocate for yourself, if you’ve been pushed off or made to think it’s normal by others to feel like shit (even in perimenopause). It’s not.

And if it’s more than that, and you too have been feeling confused, alone, stressed, struggling to find your footing on your path, I’m here to say that you will get through it, that there is a light on the other side where everything will start to make sense, and until then, lean in to whatever and whoever you can. And if you have no one else, then you have me, here.

You are, most definitely, not alone.

 Until next time, be so very well.
Allison

Subrosa for April: Remembering Who You Are

Hello friends,


I hope that this finds you so well during this special energy of the solar eclipse.

I’ve just returned from an afternoon spent with my children at The Brickworks to experience the eclipse. I have to admit that I’ve been quite against all of the hype—the buying of the glasses to look at something that everything else in nature knows not to look at during that time—seems against the whole point of this phenomenon to me. But, my husband and kids wanted to check it out, so I went along, my one request being that we go somewhere in nature so that I could watch what the birds and animals would do and not get pulled into the more human chaos of it. I wasn’t the only one who had that idea, as there was a decent crowd, but it did feel peaceful and serene being there, listening to the birds as they got louder and louder and then suddenly quiet during the darkest point of the moon passing over the sun.

I’m glad that I went, and I’m also glad that I didn’t spend $3000 for a hotel overnight in Niagara Falls, which apparently people have done. There is something about keeping it simple that, I think, especially in these overstimulating times, we sometimes forget can be more nourishing and more meaningful. Remembering the whole point of what’s going on in the first place.

This last month there have been so many themes and personal lessons that have come up for me, I have to admit I’ve struggled for the first time since launching this newsletter to know what to write about.

One theme I’ve been working with is the idea of living through your dreams coming true—what that feels like, and how, once your dream comes true, it can often remind you of other dreams you still have, or you’ve forgotten, only to discover they still matter to you.

For my entire adult life I’ve dreamed of having my own column or my own series for a legitimate publication. After Today’s Parent published my weekly series, Self-Care Sunday, for the month of February as a test run, they agreed to continue on with publishing this as an ongoing monthly series. I was thrilled to have this opportunity, and yet I was reminded again that having a dream and then experiencing it actually being realized can look very different. I’m not sure that all those years ago while watching Sex and The City and dreaming of an untethered life (unrealistic as it was) like Carrie Bradshaw’s, I was thinking that I would be writing a self-care column for Today’s Parent. But, here I am, and this long and winding path has brought me to this point in a way that I’m very grateful for. I’ve reached a place in my life where, by sharing my own experiences and vulnerabilities, I am being given the chance to be of service to others, which to me is what this doing life is all about. (You can read this most recent instalment of Self-Care Sunday here, which was all about working through and healing body image and objectification.)

The other aspect of life I’ve been working through has been the idea of mothering—mothering my children, and mothering myself, and what that all means. This month has been another challenging one, with both kids’ programs, illnesses, attitudes, and me just being plain old tired, in large part due to my finding out that my iron levels are extremely low (if you needed it, this is a reminder to get your annual checkup and bloodwork done!) I told my husband the other night that, at the core of it, I just don’t think I’m built with the same energy levels as he and my boys are. I need more rest, I need more down time, I need more silence. It’s how I’m wired, and the mother in me knows to honour that in myself.

And yet sometimes, on my dark days, this makes me feel like maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom, that maybe other, more energetic people would be so much better at this role than I am. But I know that there are no coincidences, that I am meant to be their mother just as much as anything has ever been meant to be. And maybe that in the dynamic we share, while I am learning about my own boundaries and what I can and cannot do—and most importantly, when I need to tap out and say no—perhaps they are also learning the value of rest, balance, and having nothing to do, and how that cultivates opportunities for connection, for spontaneous moments, and for ease. Il dolce far niente is the way that is expressed in Italy—the sweetness of doing nothing.

As I entered into a brief guided meditation for the eclipse that was sent to me by my first ever spiritual teacher that I met at the tender age of 12, she said during her message that the moon is guiding is through this phase to remember who we truly are. And that struck a deep chord with me, and also, I think, encapsulates everything that has been happening for me recently.

April, the Spring, is a time of renewal and rebirth, but I think it’s also a time of remembering. Remembering that we are not just a body, that we are not just a person who works, or a mother who takes care of children, or a friend who makes plans for hanging out. We are all of those things and yet there was a time before any of that—before any of the labels and identities and responsibilities—where we were still entire, complete beings, here with a uniqueness and a purpose and a style that perhaps was yet to be articulated, but it was always there. And now is the time for a renewed and remembered sense of what that uniqueness is, in all its multitudes.

I am—and have always been—a person who craves alone time, who relishes in a good book by myself for hours on end as the ultimate luxury. I am someone who likes to be slow and intentional, not always having to be working or doing. I am also someone who loves being with my people, who loves a good belly laugh (preferably many times a day), who loves a good steak and a glass of wine despite all the science telling me that I shouldn’t. I am someone who dreams of being a writer in more ways than I currently am. I still dream of writing that book (or books) about time periods long ago that hold endless fascination for me. I’m someone that loses my temper when I’m tired or pushed to the limit. I’m someone that gets nervous and scared even though it seems outwardly that I don’t. I’m someone that loves fiercely, and also, can be cut, and cut back in return, deeply. I’m someone that is curious, and also prefers to just do the things I like and be around the people I’m comfortable with. I’m not a joiner, until I am.

All that is to say, in remembering and acknowledging all the different parts of who I am, and being compassionate and mothering towards myself, my dreams, my needs, and my shortcomings, the reason I wasn’t able to write about just one theme or lesson or challenge this month is because it’s all just part of Life right now, it’s the truth of currently who and how I am.

I felt this so acutely today, as we walked around the ponds and the marshes of The Brickworks, listening to the sounds and the quiet, feeling the shift in the air as the sky got darker, inch by inch. My husband declared in his casual but profound way, “Look guys, life is happening”. And it landed so resoundingly, right in the center of me, that I had to pause. Right, I thought. Life is happening.

I thought about how life is always happening, whether we realize it or not. It’s never ending dreaming, and mothering, and feeling like a failure, and remembering parts of us that we forgot; it’s energy renewing, and aligning with what we’re here to do, knowing what makes us tick; it’s feeling sad, or tired; it’s knowing that it’s okay when it’s all not perfect, and is sometimes even harsh or dark. Life doesn’t require us to do anything other than flow with it, to come back to that truth, over and over again—no matter how often we get derailed—of who we are and to live from that place. To live from the truth that it’s all good. It’s all life.

And just like that (see what I did there?) my moment of pause, and the eclipse, both ended. The boys started whining for a snack, asking whether they could go play with their friends, and getting upset when I said no. It was time to head home and get ready for dinner.

The sun came back out, the light returned. And Life kept happening.

Prompt Of The Month

This month, with it being spring and the heralding in of fresh energy (and the releasing of stagnant energy that no longer serves) I would love to offer you this following prompt to work with.

As always, set yourself up with a pen and paper, light a candle, or if you prefer you can use these as walking meditation prompts. And then, just write…

How can I come back more fully to my truest self, to remember who I am?

If this idea and theme is resonating with you, I also wanted to share a lovely (and brief) meditation from Mindful In Minutes on the idea of releasing your past here.

Yoga of the Month:

This Earth Element Grounding and Stability class is one that I have been doing often lately. I love that it starts with Vinyasa for the first half and then the second half transitions to Yin. This is not traditionally the order you are supposed to do these two traditions of yoga in, but it’s my preferred way of doing them, and is also how Yoga with Kassandra combines the two styles in her classes.

This grounding sequence is fun and connects with the energy of the Earth—appropriate for Earth Day on April 22nd—so if you are looking for something new and engaging to shake up your movement routine, I highlight recommend this one.

One-on-One Sessions

As lives and schedules are increasingly busy and conflicting for the people on my wonderful community here, I have decided to offer one on one sessions for therapeutic writing, meditation, channeled oracle readings, and yoga, tailored and curated to each person’s needs and interests with a unique combination just for each session.

If this is of interest to you, please reach out to me directly to set up an in-person session and receive further details. And feel free to share with anyone you think might be interested in learning more!

Namaste, my friends.

Until next time…

All good things your way,
Allison

Subrosa for December: Remembering To Just Be

Hello friends,


We’ve reached the month of December, and while for so many this can be full of joy and excitement, I think for many of us—especially us women—it can also bring with it a sense of anxiety, stress, and pressure that comes with the closing of the year, various holidays, time spent in complicated family dynamics, and also the looming of a looooong winter break if you have children at home.

For many years I’ve held mixed feelings about this season, until last year when I started connecting with the energy of the Winter Solstice, which allowed me to focus on an aspect of this time of year that didn’t have anything to do with gift buying or religion or anything outside of what truly matters.

The energy of the Winter Solstice is very much about aligning with the energy of the feminine, about going within and slowing down, about “being” rather than “doing”, reflecting on the past year and opening up to the possibilities of what the new year will bring. I find that in connecting with the solstice energy, it grounds me and offers a counterbalance to the holiday rush and chaos, and is a medicine for the soul when we can otherwise get caught up too much of the material world.

If the idea of having a grounding force to balance out the holiday hoopla speaks to you, I encourage you to explore the Winter Solstice and find ways that resonate with you to connect to its energy. To this end, I will also send out a separate offering of a meditation practice on the day of the Solstice, which will be on 12/21/2023 of this year, all about finding the light in the dark.

Women’s Writing Circle: A 4-Month Journey Starting in January

On the note of future offerings, I am putting out the option of forming a monthly Women’s Writing Circle membership that would take place on the third Sunday of every month from January to April of 2024 from 1-3 pm. I would offer these sessions in my home as with my previous writing and yoga workshops, and the beauty of having this type of offering is that we get to go on a journey together with the same group and support and witness each other’s growth over that time for a full circle experience. Each month would explore a theme of emotional exploration through writing, meditation, and yoga that would build over the course of 4 months.

If this is of interest to you, please email me and let me know. We need a minimum of 3 participants in order for this to take off.

Prompt Of The Month

The idea of success, and what real success is, has continued to come up in conversation for me over the last many months, and I’ve noticed it continue to be something that many of my friends grapple with as well.

Somewhere along the line, success has come to be defined by how much money you make, or how hard of a worker you are, or how “good” of a parent you are (whatever THAT means). And although I fall into this trap myself, I am grateful that I do remember to pull out of it, or sometimes I am reminded by a loved one to pull out of it.

If only we could see ourselves in the same loving light as those outside of us do.

I watch my friends who work, raise children, show up for their partners and families and friends and neighbours, try to incorporate self care, make nourishing food, exercise, balance finances, and every day put energy into being generally good humans. And yet I hear from so many of those same friends that they want to do more, that they can’t rest until they’ve achieved the next level of whatever defines their success to them. I know that this is their journey, but some days it’s so hard for me to witness because the truth is success of any lasting value has nothing to do with money, or status, or productivity—this we know. I’m not sure that it’s a concept worthy of merit, really. What is the point of success, in whatever terms it is defined, if all it gets you is stressed and tired and ends with wanting even more success? Perhaps if the pursuit of success was traded with purpose—the pursuit of trying to find out what your purpose is, and then following that—the result would be a sense of peace and fulfilment, something more lasting and rewarding than the ever moving goal of success.

But even with the idea of purpose, the ego can wind its way in and make it difficult to know what that is—or to follow it. Many years ago, I remember listening to a talk given by the author and spiritual teacher, Caroline Myss, about purpose. She talked about how everyone wants to know their purpose, but they don’t always like the answer. Because not all of us have a big, shiny purpose. We are not all meant to be movie stars or billionaires, or high academic and professional achievers. That can be part of it, sure. And it’s nice if it is, sure. But, she asked, what if your actual purpose was simply to live on that street, in that neighbourhood? To live there, to be kind to the people you interact with, and to hold the light in that little corner of the world. Would you have the courage then to live your purpose, to just be that person on that street, and to do it fully and completely and have it be enough? This question she asked is one that I come back to so often in my own contemplation.

And so the prompt of the month is on this idea—to ask yourself and then see what comes through on paper, without judgment or trying to change it:
How can I rest in just being rather than doing?
Is focusing on material success serving me?
What is my purpose, or part of my purpose here in this lifetime, and is there a way I can live it more fully?

Pose of the Month: Easy Pose

The pose of this month is Easy Pose, because if there is anything that is true, what’s needed right now is more ease and grace and less forcing and trying. This can be a deceptively difficult pose despite its name for several reasons. One is that if you have tight hips or knees, it can bring up some discomfort. If this is the case, please sit on a blanket and adjust so that you are not in any pain. You can even rest your back against a chair or couch if you need to.

The benefit of this pose and also the challenge is that it asks you to just sit in your being-ness. The challenge is that our minds start racing towards all the things we could be doing on the never ending to do list. The benefit is that in allowing yourself to just rest in being, you are called back to balance, to your true essence inside, that exists beyond the list of tasks that will always be there. This pose is a reminder that there is value in doing nothing.

I encourage you to take a quiet minute—or five—in easy pose this month whenever you find yourself too much in the “doing” part of life. Come to the floor or a chair, take a cross legged seat and allow yourself to sit in quiet, hands at your heart or resting on your lap. Breathe.

Final Thoughts

Last year, right around this time, I would say that I began a second spiritual awakening, or perhaps it’s better put as entering the next level of my spiritual journey. I had been feeling lost and disconnected for some time, and as December rolled around, I started receiving intuitive hits and guidance during my meditations to study and delve into the teachings and energy of the Divine Feminine.

Aside from what I had learned during my Yin Yoga training, I hadn’t ever really explored this aspect of, well, life. What began with following that guidance one step at a time evolved into my working deeply to balance my own feminine and masculine energies (still working on that), and in doing so, realizing how out of balance so many of us are as a collective. I felt called to do my part in sharing what I had learned, to be of service in helping others find balance, which then led to doing my 200 hour yoga teacher training, re-launching my therapeutic writing workshops to include yoga as well as meditation, followed by this newsletter, and here we are again, one year later.

What I find so fascinating is that as I reflect on all I’ve worked on and worked through this year, I feel in many ways as though I’m back at the beginning, starting over again. And that comes with mixed emotions. I think my ego would like me to be farther along—with what, I don’t know exactly, but probably all of the usual trappings—money, status, accolades, validation. And yet my heart, my higher self, knows that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, and the fact that it seems as though I’m starting again from the same place is not even a slight coincidence, but, rather, divinely intentional.

One of the aspects that has been calling to me as I come back again to this beginning point is the idea of remembering. I feel pulled to go back to the foundation, to remember and revisit all of the trainings that have brought me to this place, but with fresh eyes, fresh ears, and an even more open heart. I’ve felt called to listen again to audiobooks and meditations from teachers that I first listened to when I was a teenager and my mother introduced me to the works she herself was reading. So rather than fighting the idea of starting over again, I’m going with the flow, and it’s as though I’m being given the chance to integrate those lessons and teachings in a deeper, visceral, and more embodied way now because I’ve lived enough life that I can understand and receive them with a bit more clarity on how they were meant to be received.

There is one teaching in particular that I’ve been called to revisit in which is the audiobook Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living The Wisdom of the Tao by Wayne Dyer. I remember listening to this on CD while I drove around in my parents’ green Pontiac Bonneville over 20 years ago. The concepts in this book are translations and interpretations of Lao Tzu’s Tao de Ching, which was recorded based on his teachings 2500 years ago and is, coincidentally (or not), the foundation on which the principles of Yin Yoga is built, although at the time I first listened there wasn’t even a glimmer of a thought in my mind that I would one day go on to be a teacher of yin yoga.

I remember having a lightbulb moment listening to this on CD years ago as Wayne Dyer explained the importance of learning to Just Be. He uses the analogy of an otter, explaining how an otter doesn’t try to be a different kind of otter—better, faster, more attractive, more successful; it doesn’t try to be a different kind of animal, like a hawk or a wolf. It just lives in its otter-ness and is thus entirely content in its experience of life as it was intended.

I hadn’t thought of this analogy for 20 years, so when I heard it again the other day as I went on my usual daily walks, I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself out loud. I laughed at the idea of my 18 year old self hearing this for the first time. I remembered hearing it that first time and sort of getting it and also being entirely perplexed—be like an otter? Sure, okay. I also laughed at the fact that it’s been 20 years and I’ve only now started to be able to embrace and embody this concept of just being—being myself, being human, being exactly where I am without trying or forcing to be somehow or somewhere other.

I laughed because it’s either funny or scary or sad or maybe all three that it can take us humans so damn long to learn these lessons that if we could just understand sooner would save us from so much pain and confusion and suffering. And yet, because all of life is paradox within the unity, therein lies the whole point. We are here to learn, to experience life in its entirety—the hard, the easy; the love, the pain; the mundane, the joy.

It’s the WHOLE point.

So as we move towards the Winter Solstice, and the sometimes frenetic energy this time of year brings, I wish you the ability to just be. To rest—if even for mere moments—in the heartfelt belief that you are enough, just the way you are, just for being here. Not because of the money you earn, not because of the activities you organize for your family, or the healthy or nutritious meals you make. Not because of your work ethic, or because of your productivity. Not because you are a good friend, or a good child, or a good parent, or a good partner. But because you are here, and that it took an entire miracle and confluence of energies and events to bring you here. And so just living, breathing, and being you, makes you entirely worthy and enough. Just like the otter.

Until next time…

All good things your way,
Allison

Subrosa for October: All About Time & Surrender

Hello friends,


Wow.

This last month has been a doozie, eh?

Although I practiced daily everything I know to help me sink in, enjoy the moment, and just flow with the energy that is, I found the last few weeks to be a major challenge. It was almost laughable how much I was throwing at the wall to try and chill out and make everything work without running myself ragged, but it just wasn’t working. Because of this I had the added weight of imposter syndrome because I feel like if I can’t do that for myself, how can I hold space and advocate for anyone else doing it? And from the conversations I’ve been having with other women, I know I’m not alone in the struggle to find more time and the feeling of just not getting it right. The pace of life really did get hot and fast out of nowhere at the start of September, and most days I’ve been finding myself challenged to keep up, trying to figure out how I was going to fit it all in.

Because of the intense pace that has set in with work, school, and parenting obligations recently, I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on the concept of time, and how the lack of or abundance of it governs so much of our lives. How the paradox of it is that we need to surrender to the limitations of time, while also exercising our sovereignty in choosing to make space for more time that is full of calm and ease. I’m fascinated by Kairos time, the idea of which I’ve been playing with stepping into to get away from the frantic pace that has set in. If you’ve never heard of Kairos time, this is how it is described by one of my favourite teachers, Rebecca Campbell:

“The ancient Greeks spoke of two different types of time: Kairos time and Chronos time. Chronos time is linear time—time that can be measured in seconds, minutes, hours, and years. It’s the type of time that is required to arrive at an appointment on time, meet a deadline, or catch a bus.

Kairos time is soul time.

It is the place where all healing happens, where all intuition resides, where all serendipity happens and where all creative ideas come to you whole.”

As with all things in life, time, and the managing of it, is a paradox. Time is infinite as the universe is infinite, however, it is also finite. Our days end, our mornings come, and we are limited by Chronos time with how much we can do in a day. We need Chronos time—that’s how we are able to live on a schedule, to respect appointments, other people’s boundaries, and also our own limitations as human beings. (We need to eat and sleep after all.) But without moments spent in Kairos time, we are overly immersed in linear time, in to-do lists, in being governed by a clock, and we were never meant to exist entirely without the other side of time, the one that feels spacious, supportive, loving, and infinite.

You can recognize when you’re in Kairos time, or infinite time, when you feel like you’ve only been doing something for a short period but you look up and realize that somehow an hour or more has passed; or conversely, when you’ve only been doing something for a short while, but it’s felt much longer. It’s that feeling you might remember when you were a kid playing outside after dinner, when you only had one more hour before bedtime to play. That hour felt precious because it would end soon, and also felt endless because you were going to squeeze everything you could out of it. That hour stretched open because you willed it so. Afterwards, when it was over, you went to bed happily exhausted and satisfied because that time in the infinite was all you needed to feel the magic.

As adults, stepping into Kairos time is more challenging because we have more to do and more responsibilities that rely on linear time being adhered to. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make space for that magic hour feeling. In fact, it means we need it more.

This past weekend I had the privilege of going up to our cottage overnight with my husband while our parents watched the kids. I set the intention of stepping into Kairos time for as much of it as I could. I laid on the dock with a blanket over me in the late afternoon, and I waited until the old, familiar anxiety passed of having to get up and do something or help someone. And once that feeling passed, it was like walking into a different existence. It wasn’t for long, but for that time that I lay on the dock, I soaked up the essence of infinity, of space, of expansion.

When I got up so that we could start making dinner, I knew that by the time I got back to the city the next day the hustle would try to knock it’s way back in, but because I had allowed myself those moments on the other side of time, I felt better prepared to re-enter my daily life because I had created an opportunity for my body, my mind, and my soul to be recharged.

Prompt Of The Month

So on that note, the Prompt Of The Month is about how you can find ways that work for you to surrender, to let go of trying to fit it all in, and to find a way to stretch and ease time for yourself—if for only a few moments a day.

Get set up:
Grab your notebook, light a candle if that feels good, and take 6 deep cycles of breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth to settle into your body and the moment. Once you feel like you’re “here”, answer the following prompts—all of them or maybe just one—letting the writing flow without stopping or judging. Make a commitment to write for at least five minutes, but if you’re there for longer, great!

  • How can I surrender to “what is” rather than trying to force a way for “what is not possible” into existence?

  • How can I create more space to step into a slower pace each day, even if it’s only for five minutes a day?

  • What can I do now so that my future self will thank me?

If you can’t carve out the time to write this month, just take these prompts as ideas to ponder—on a walk, in the shower, however, and whenever you can.

Pose of the Month: Child’s Pose or Balasana

I chose to offer up Child’s Pose as the pose of the month because this is a shape that embodies and evokes surrender. And by surrender, I don’t mean capitulation or giving in. I mean surrendering to what is, to the moment, to the circumstance that you find yourself in, rather than trying to make life be something that it isn’t. In a way, it’s a pose that stops time for the extent that you’re in it. It also invites you to close your eyes, to have a moment where all you see is the space behind your eyes, all you hear is your breath moving in and out, giving you a moment to tap into the whispers of your inner life, where the real wisdom lies within your heart space. This is the place where the part of you that knows—that really knows—resides.

There are many benefits that come along with this pose, and several ways you can approach it. You can do a traditional Balasana, where your spine curves and your arms come down to your sides. Or, my preferred version, Extended Child’s Pose, where you bring your toes to touch, knees wide as is comfortable, and you sink your hips back, walking your arms forward through your fingertips. You can make this a passive pose by letting your forearms rest on the ground, or an active stretch by reaching your arms out as far as you can until you feel a comfortable elongation in your shoulder blades and upper back. It’s really up to you. Whichever version you choose, I highly recommend that, as with last month’s pose, Legs Up The Wall, you use this pose as a means of support when you need it most, whether that’s in transition between your work and home life, if you’re having a stressful day and need a reset, or as you’re getting ready for bed as a way to signal to your body that it’s time for rest. All you need is 3-5 minutes, but if you can’t get that, take one. Your nervous system will respond to what you give it for nourishment, even if it’s mere moments throughout the day.

Here are some more benefits of this pose to help you connect with the “why” if you need a reason to give it a try this month when the overwhelm sets in. (Bonus points if you use it in combination with Legs Up The Wall for a real nervous system reset):

  • Relaxes the Body: Child's Pose helps in releasing tension in the back, shoulders, and neck, which is useful for decompressing after a busy day.

  • Improves Flexibility: It stretches the hips, thighs, and ankles, helping to keep your body supple and ready for other tasks.

  • Promotes Mindfulness: The pose allows you to focus on your breathing, helping you become aware of the present moment.

  • Reduces Stress: The pose is known to calm the mind, thereby reducing stress and anxiety.

  • Encourages Surrender: The act of folding forward is symbolic of letting go and surrendering to the universe, aligning well with the theme of accepting limitations.

  • Boosts Emotional Balance: By providing a safe, grounded feeling, it can help balance overwhelming emotions.

  • October's Atmosphere: As fall sets in, the pace of life might feel like it's speeding up with holidays and year-end tasks. Child's Pose is an excellent counterbalance.

  • Low Impact: This pose is suitable for people of all fitness levels, offering a moment of pause in a hectic routine.

  • Energy Channeling: By temporarily shutting out external stimuli, it allows you to channel your energy and focus on what truly matters.

October Workshop Offering:
Healing Through Writing & Yoga for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
When: Thursday, October 26th from 7-9 pm
Where: RENNI Wellness Center, 313 Markham St, Toronto
Cost: $46; register here to reserve your spot www.allisonmcdonaldace.com/workshops
What To Bring: A notebook, a pen, and an open heart
What It’s About: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In light of this, I am presenting a special workshop at Renni Wellness Center that is designed to support those going through fertility issues across the spectrum of trying to conceive, the grief of pregnancy and infant loss, and anything in between. I am particularly positioned to hold space in this setting I have gone through pregnancy loss and secondary infertility myself, and it was through those experiences that I became an advocate for healing and speaking openly about these life experiences. This workshop will begin with a gentle yin practice to come into the body in a supportive, loving way, followed by a guided meditation and a guided writing experience in group that will allow participants to access what emotions need to be felt, and what experiences need to be released, in order for them to move forward with greater inner peace on their journey through fertility issues.  

Final Thoughts

This month, as I’ve been trying to find ways to balance, organize, and stretch time to fit in all the things, I’ve found myself turning again and again to the Power of 3.

The significance of the number 3 spans across all religions and all traditions, from Christian, Buddhist, Hindu religions and beyond, to more ancient and forgotten traditions. The planet is comprised of 3 elements: earth, water, and sky. Our days have 3 phases, morning, afternoon, and evening. The life of a woman can be viewed through 3 phases, that of the Maiden, Mother, and Crone, or to put it another way, Act 1, Act 2, and Act 3. Even now in popular culture the concept of mind, body, and spirit is at the core of how we are taught to approach health and healing in a more holistic way, not ignoring any one part.

As life has become as full as it has this month, I’ve been challenged to figure out how to fit in the practical aspects of life, to know how much of what: Food, water, exercise, self care time, work time, family time—the list goes on. Because I could easily just work non stop, without breaks or self care, but the truth is if I did that, not only would I suffer for it but I know that those around me would not be receiving my best self, which is a huge part of what I believe my purpose in this life is—to just exist as someone who shows up for others, holds space, and ensures that they are met with love and care to the best of my ability. So the intuition that has continued to come back to me is to just work with the Power of 3, and that if I do that, it will be enough. It has to be.

This is what that looks like for me, and I offer it up to you in case it might be helpful in finding a way to navigate or decide how much of what, how to organize it, and a way to feel that you’ve done “enough” without taking on too much.

  • I break up my day into 3 phases:

  • Self care | Work care | Family & House Care

  • I choose 3 tasks a day per category that are realistic to achieve so that at the end of the day I can feel at ease that I’ve done as much as I can do in one day without taking on more than I can achieve in a day.

  • I plan for 3 days of strength training a week to ensure I’m maintaining muscle mass and releasing excess energy, which serves me in being more relaxed.

  • I slot in 30 minutes of walking a day, even if that’s at night after I put my kids to bed, in order to help me get into nature and decompress.

  • I eat 3 meals a day as a non-negotiable rule, which is a way to make sure that I am factoring in 3 breaks throughout my work day and don’t skip meals in favour of just ploughing through work or the endless to-do list of home and parenting tasks.

  • I name 3 things I’m grateful for at the start of end of each day. It’s a helpful reminder that despite how hard it might seem, there is always some ease or lightness to be found.

I hope that in sharing what I’ve been working through this month, at the very least, you feel less alone in your own personal challenges. And at the very most, I hope that these practices I’m offering can help you to carve out space for yourself this month—to breathe, to go inward, to find some calm in your body, if for no other reason so that you have the energy to keep going without burning out. But even more than that, for the reason that they can be a powerful way to help you shift your energy out of linear time and into infinite time, even for brief moments a day.

The deep truth is that we were never meant to be this busy. There is no reward at the end of life for having been busy, or productive. No one will care what your job title was, or how much money you made (although those things are great and not to be disregarded—they just aren’t the sum of a life). More than that, people will remember how you showed up for them, and in turn how you let them show up for you. How you made them feel, and how you didn’t let the race of time get in the way of what truly matters, or at least you tried not to. That’s not to say that our work and daily life tasks don’t matter. They do. Our jobs provide income for ourselves and our families, and can offer a great sense of meaning and purpose to our days. Life’s little tasks and responsibilities are the foundation of being human, and they can create structure and a sense of doing things for ourselves and others. But balance in all things is the key, and overly focusing on putting time into work or to-do lists will not yield the same quality of life that I believe most of us truly desire—one that has room for both kinds of time. One that allows for the surrender to what is, and what can only be, rather than trying to force more into what is only meant to hold so much.

I am not perfect at this practice—far from it. I don’t know if perfect exists in anything, really, except for nature. And we are nature, so I guess we are perfect just by our existence. But chasing perfection in our habits and what we do or how we do it is a fool’s errand. I know that for sure. So for now, this time thing, and this surrender thing, are a practice for me just as anyone else. I’ll let you know how it goes;)

Until next time…

All good things your way,
Allison

Introducing Subrosa: A Monthly Newsletter Series

Hello friends,

I'm writing today to invite you to my monthly newsletter series, Subrosa, launching in September. 

My intention with this newsletter series is to connect with you here in this intimate space so that I can share free writing prompts and practices, as well as my own writing on insights, challenges, or lessons I'm working through in my personal life, in the event that sharing of my own experience is helpful to your journey in any way. My belief is that it's through the honest sharing of our individual experiences and vulnerabilities that we are given the opportunity to heal ourselves and others on a deeper level. By understanding that we are not alone on this journey, we all have something to glean from one another. 

Each month I will offer up a free mini version of the theme I’ll be honing in on in my workshops so that you can be supported from wherever you are if you’re unable to attend in person. These will be any combination of guided writing exercises you can do at home (or anywhere!), guided meditations, and yin yoga poses to help you come into the body and calm the nervous system.

Lastly, my intention is also to share what workshops and offerings I have planned around the city so that if you're interested in attending in person, or you know someone who is, you will find them all listed here as well as linked to my website.  

A note on the name of this series: Subrosa means literally "under the rose" and refers to the secrets and mysteries of life and the divine feminine energy that had to go underground in order to survive. I have been working deeply with the divine feminine energy and the symbolism of the rose over the last year and believe we are in a pivotal time where reconnecting with the energy of the feminine and bringing that back into the world and into balance with the masculine is crucial for us all to heal on an individual and collective level. These energies have nothing to do with gender of course, but more with the qualities of the feminine and masculine that exist within all of us. I hope in sharing what I have learned by working with the empowered feminine to do my part in helping others in connecting with this part of themselves so we can all return to our sovereignty and heart centred wisdom—the rose—within us. 

If you're receiving this newsletter it's because we have connected in some way, either through my work, through friendship, or both. However, if these newsletters are not for you please don't worry. Either way, it's all good. 

I will be sending out my inaugural newsletter the first Sunday in September, so please stay tuned for that to come shortly, and until then, you can check out what I have going on over on my website: allisonmcdonaldace.com.

Sending you all the good vibes!

Namaste, 
Allison